anachronism

2009-11-02T19:54:00.003+08:00

I don't understand.
I feel perfectly fine.
I act perfectly normal.
I don't think of you.
But that only happens in the day.
When night falls.
When im all alone.
I realise how truely broken I've become.
I'm falling apart inside.
And you just see a smile.

RETAIL THERAPY SUCKS.
it's leaving me broke.
But even then,
I bought two pens I DONT NEED today.
And not cheapo pens mind you.
I bought uni-ball signo dx 0.38 pens that don't even last long!

F@$& this shit.

2009-10-29T19:10:00.002+08:00

You think of me suddenly in the midst of doing something and you feel remorseful only or the moment. Then it fades away.

Haha. I dunno why but finding that out didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. In fact, it barely hurts at all.

I'm scared! Maybe i'm going crazy too like JEDI!

Urgghh. Hahahah.

I'm tired of the anticipation.

I'm tired of you having the upper hand on deciding if you wanna stay or go.

Let's meet to talk.

I'm tired of bein this way.

Ok?

Here we go again.
With all the things we said.
And now I'm wondering
just who would I have been
to be the one attached
at all times to your hips
FORGET THE THINGS WE SWORE WE MEANT.
I'll write to you just to let you know,
that I'm alright
can't say I'm say to see you go
cos im not.
I'm notttttttttt.

What a liar. The last part is not true. All else however, is.

2009-10-29T06:00:00.001+08:00

Never believe promises an asshole makes to you.
Even of you love that asshole to death.

2009-10-26T19:01:00.000+08:00

I heard you're doing ok, but I want you to know,
im addict, I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care when you don't think about me...
Do you think I deserve this?

I am the incredible hulk in the morning.
I am supergirl in the afternoons.
I am wonder woman in the evenings.
I become human again at night.

I lie in bed thinking I can get thru the night without tears.
I lie in bed and wait for sleep to come to me.
Sadly, I seem to fail terribly everynight.
The thoughts rush back to me when I'm alone.
They bite me and I scream till I go crazy.
But after those few tears, I get a little stronger.
Waiting again for sleep to bless me with it's beauty.
Night after night, it disappoints me.
I'm left lying awake wondering what to do.
And just as I'm falling asleep, the alarm rings.
Being sleep deprived is getting to me.
But it doesn't matter.
Even with one hour of sleep,
I wake up a stronger Shiela than yesterday.
I wake up able to face the day.
I wake up without much thought of you.
Or anything at all for the matter.
Bein sleep deprived numbs me just enough to stop the pain
but thank god, I'm awesome because i'm still happy go lucky Shiela.
Because I'm awesome.
:)

Retail therapy is working...
Even if it means grocery shopping and buying things I don't need.

I lost weight.
That's really sad. I wonder why...
I swear i've been eating.
WHERE HAS ALL THE FATS GONE?!!!
:(

how about I round of applause, a standing ovation.
I've got a plan. Let's hope I don't go thru with it.

No one in particular~

2009-10-25T23:21:00.002+08:00

I am almost certain now that no one visits my blog. Afterall, it's been dead for more than a year now. If you still visit this site, you must really have no life.

and with that, Here I go with my random chants and rambles.

dear boyfriend,
are we still together?
I dont understand what's going on.
I don't understand why things are so hard.
I don't understand why you can't see my love yet I'm still her waiting and hoping you'd see me.
Hoping that you'd Come back.
Hoping that you won't leave.
I've been putting up a hell of a brave front.
I've been pretending i'm ok.
I've been acting like I'm happy.
But deep down,
wait, You don't even have to go deep down to see.
Just scrape off the surface and you'd see how broken I am.
How broken I've become.
I can't act like somethings wrong.
Mummy will worry.
And there's already so much on her plate.
I've been stupid.
I banged my head on the floor.
I cut myself.
I ran infront of a cab.
I smoked.
All in a matter of a day since you told me those dreaded words.
'i'm giving up'
I'm lost.
I'm confused.
You keep saying I'm dependent on you.
But that's exactly it.
It's not dependence.
I don't need you.
I want you.
I just want you a little too much.
So much that it hurts because you can't see me..
You can't understand me.
And you obviously don't want me as much as I want you.
It saddens me deeply to think you could leave me so broken.
It hurts me to think of all the promises you broke.
You want the best of both worlds and
you're not willing to compromise one bit.
What do I do to make you see?
What can I say to make you understand?
I do t want anyone else.
I only want you.
Baby, don't you see?...
You can't Juts expect me to be able to leave you alone.
You can't expect me to be standing tall just because you asked for a break.
I've been with you for 506 days.
Day in, day out.
You are always on my mind.
You are always there even when you're not.
For over a year, you were my all.
You were my life.
How am I suppose to give you up just like that?
How do you expect me to be strong when you're leaving me?
Again?
You made me believe in love.
You made me trust in love.
You made me have faith that with love, everything will be ok.
That no matter what comes our way, we'd face it together.
But you're leaving me now.
You want to be alone.
You are leaving me behind.
You're breaking me apart.
I can't do this baby.
I want you so badly.
I need to know that you're there.
I need to know.
You saying that you feel like you can't commit, shatters everything for me.
You were always the strong one.
The one who convinced me our love will last.
But you going against your words is making me crazy.
Why are you doing this?
How can you do this?
Have you really stopped loving me?
Am I such a bad gf?
I'm a girl bby.
I want attention.
The kind you use to give.
These days,I feel ignored.
Neglected.
I feel like I'm at the bottom of the list and everything that is anything is put above me.
I feel like I'm only wanted when there isn't anything/anyone left.
I know you can be so much more...
I know you can...
But you keep saying you can't.
What happened?....
You just don't want to do you?
I've seen him coming back.
So naturally at times.
He visits.
But never stays.
I miss him.
More than you'll ever know.
More than you can ever understand.
But even if he doesn't come back anymore,
I'm starting not to care.
So long as I have you near.
So long as you stay with me.
Stay with me.

2008-08-06T23:36:00.001+08:00

I have come to a frightening conclusion.
I am the decisive element in the classroom.
It is my personal approach that creates the climate.
It is my daily mood that makes the weather.
As a teacher I possess tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous.
I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration.
I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.
In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis
will be escalated or de-escalated, and a child humanized or de-humanized.

The Teacher- An Instrument of Power
Haim Ginott

5000 word report, here i come.

2008-06-09T23:57:00.002+08:00

its only been too long since i blogged.
im sure everyone stopped reading by now.
or perhaps my only 2 visitors would sense a vibe telling them i blogged then within the next week, i'll get a msg on my phone with a question

"who is he?"

it happens everytime without fail.
so dont fail me this time guys!
hahah i know this one is too hot to resist.
oh wait.
i foegot to share what it was that would make you guys msg me.
hahaha

after 9 months, im now officially ___________.

fill in the blanks. guys, do the math.

i miss mai and dilaaaaa. :)
meet this month for dinner pleaseeeee.
hee.

oh randoms.

i met my girls for dinner(dilah's treat) and good old laughter.

my job pretty much rocks except the shit pay.

i've graduated. (wasnt all that thrilling. and me being me, i burst into a fit of giggles when they called me "ro-shy-iee-la")

i have a boyyyfieeee.

hhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa.

ok i love yall.
bye.

2008-05-02T01:29:00.003+08:00

Liar. It takes one to know one.

i've got nothing to blog about.
but i feel like blogging anyways.
mia and dilah blog in long paragraphs.
i blog in one line paragraphs.
is this boring you already?
i know.
im bored too.

hmm.. lets see.
updates.
hafiz is back from field camp
afzal's back from brunei
i guess im talking to indra again
hadee needs a girlfriend cos his life is a bore
i miss farah
i miss nor
i miss maiiii and dilaaaaaaa
i miss school
i miss work
staying home for a week is more boring than i thought it's be.

god this post is boring
i give up.
my brain cells simply refuse to work.
bleargh.
good night world.

2008-04-28T15:57:00.002+08:00

Joke of the day

mum: eh cina mati da jalan?

dad: huh? mama nampak?

mum:tak la. kan mama kerje.

mum:(pauses then laughs and hits dad's arm)

dad: bagos eh cina. kalau mati masi boleh jalan.

get it?. haha. lame. but i gotta admit.
it was funny.

i dont have work for a week.
yeay!
but god. its so effin boring at home.

i wanna go out tmr. its free ben and jerrys ice cream day!
plus. i gotta go collect that graduation robe stuff.
hmpft. the lecehness of having to graduate.

2008-04-20T15:43:00.000+08:00

it sunday.
not just any sunday.
cos this sunday, im not spending it with my family.
or rather my whole family is spending sunday without me.
and its all because of this bloody sickness.

i think i kinda sorta fought with someone.

i told him i'll msg him when i feel less moody cos i didn't wanna make him worry like he did last night. i told him i dont know whats up with my mood swings. i told him i think it's pms or maybe cos im sick and always too tired to do anything. thats why i get annoyed and agitated so easily. i told him.

I.TOLD.HIM.

bloody hell.
but he still has to go and say:

'fine.. you're right. don't tell me why or what is making you feel moody..haha in fact dont tell me anything. its all making sense now.. haha man this is so common i get it too many times.'

~~fuck you for adding the haha's.~~
i know you didnt mean them.
but i know you meant every fucking thing you said otherwise.
fuck you for being so pushy.
fuck you for making me so darn mad.
no.
you know what?
fuck me.
i knew i shouldn't have fallen.
i knew i shouldn't have started caring.
i knew you werent cut out for the part.
i knew it.
i knew.
but still i went for it.
for god fucking sake shiela.
when will you ever listen to yourself?.
im not ready for this.
im not ready for your possesive and protecive ness.
im not ready for any of it.
so can i just back off now?.
you dont even try to understand me.
YOU DONT EVEN TRY.
you dont think before you speak.
you dont think about how it might make me feel.
in fact, i dont think you dont think of anything.

maybe its just the mood talking.
but maybe its just reality sinking in.
i cant do this.
i just cant.

~~is it already to late to walk away?~~

2008-04-19T21:16:00.000+08:00

wow. its been over a week since i went online.

so i started work on thursday.
yup.
thursday.
who in the right mind decided to let the newbies start work on a THURSDAY?.
oh. just incase you're wondering.
im a...

FIELDWORK SUPERVISOR.

haha.

heres the down side.
i've got the
'singapore heat wave' sickness. (according to hafiz)
always seems to happed before a big event.
say, the start or end of a school term, exams, whatever else.
strange. but true.

its saturday and im home.
because im sick.
so its my recovery weekend.

yes. im completely aware how boring this post is.
but what do you expect from a sickly one?

oh. i 've been to the doctor and i soo agree with dila.
he only bloody hell gave me flu pills, lozenges and cough mixture.
no anti biotics, nothing for my headaches or fever.
wtf?
he gave me everything i already had at home.
a freaking waste of time and money and im still not well.
im still coughing like a wheezing dying old man grasping for his last breath.

f*ck this shit.

mum claims my body is too 'heaty'
i feel dizzy whenever i lie down and get back up.
my body aches from head to toe
my nose is either blocked of leaking at anytime of the day
my head throbbs with a rhythmic pulse running thru every core of my brain cells
my eyes are 'ozzing' with a pus like liquid instead of teardrops than glue my eyes shut whenever i sleep.
i've got ulcer on my GUMS. and not the back gums, the ones that are holding my bottom front teeth together that make it so bloody painful just to drink water. yes. WATER.
i've got so much more complaining to do but
i cant concentrate because:

THERES A BLOODY CHINESE PRAYER THING KARA-OK LIKE WAYANG WITHOUT THE PEOPLE ACTING IN IT GOING UNDER THE BLOCK OPPOSITE MY HOUSE. ITS SO BLOODY ANNOYING. ITS LIKE LISTENING TO AN OLD CHINESE SCARRY MOVIE WITHOUT SUBTITLES. I WISH I COULD SHOVE THAT BLOODIE MICROPHONE DOWN HER GOD DAMN SCREAMING THROAT.

ITS THAT BAD.

~~its my recovery weekend dammit.~~
couldnt they think of a better timing to reannact
'gates of hell reopens' part seven thousand and twelve?

but even then.
i slept thru it this afternoon after my flu meds.
imagine how well that pill worked to make me fall asleep.

now i cant concentrate on anything i do.
bad enough that being sick has caused me to loose my ability to multitask,
with the chinese shit going on downstairs, i cant even single task!
god help me.

do i really deserve this kinda punishment?

if i call the cops and complain about the noise..
will they entertain me or will they shrug it off as a case of a malay racist nutcase?.

this is a little old but heres my current obsession:

i nine- seven days of lonely

Igot a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that told me I'd get hurt again.

So I hung up the phone
and I screamed out loud.
I felt so alone, should have said the things I'm thinking now.

Ohh, I never thought it'd be so hard to let you go.

(I just want you to know)
Tell me how I'm gonna make it, you're the one I can't forget.
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends.
When I try to face it when I wake up, I hate the way reality sets in.
God, I wish you could hold me through the seven days of lonely.

The seven days of lonely, yeah

Oh it's deafening,
the bitter truth.
I'm doing everything for the first time again without you.
I pretend I'm okay,(i pretend i'm okay)
but it aches inside.
There's got to be a way that's better than just getting by.

Ohh, never thought it'd be so hard to let you go.

(I just want you to know)
Tell me how I'm gonna make it, you're the one I can't forget.
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends.
When I try to face it when I wake up, I hate the way reality sets in.
God, I wish you could hold me through the seven days of lonely.

My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over.
And can you die of heartbreak, to die for love lost young?
I pray to find it again, oh again.

Got a call todayAt 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that hurts again.

Tell me how I'm gonna make it you're the one I can't forget.
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends.
When I try to face it when I wake up, I hate the way reality sets in.
God, I wish you could hold methrough the seven days of lonely.

ohhhhhh
The seven days of lonely,
ohhhhhh

Through the seven days of lonely,
got a call today at 3am it's what you didn't say that hurts again.

The seven days of lonely.
Ohhhhhh.

how is this possibly a good thing?.

2008-04-08T17:13:00.000+08:00

F*CKING HELL!
I GOT A JOB!!!!
:)
heh heh.
and its all thanks to maisarah zulkifly.
they havent called her tho.
i hope they do.
:(

work starts on the 17th of april.
exciting!

oh shit. there goes slacking days.

2008-04-03T17:21:00.002+08:00

birthday shoutouts:

2nd April
Happy birthday mummy!

3rd April
Happy birthday adilah!
Happy birthday zul!
Happy birthday.. pilot's mummy!

haha. ok the last one is sooo unnecessary.

today is not such a good day.
i shall blog when im in the mood.
loves to all.

your girlfriend ah?.

2008-03-26T16:58:00.000+08:00

this is amusing.
imagine a situation.
you are out with a friend. and along the way, the both of you bumps into a friend of his.
(for the sake of example, im using my name)

friend one: your girlfriend ah?
(insert name here): this one Shiela.

walking along, we spot another friend. this time his friend is with a girl(presumably the girlfriend as they were kissing just minutes before)

friend two: this is my girlfriend'insertnamehere' (gestures at you) she your girlfriend?
(insert name here): haha she's Shiela.

think about it.
he doesnt deny it.
but neither does he acknowledge it.
or perhaps he's a selective listener like i cant remember which radio station advertises 'only hear the good stuff'

hmmmmmmmmmm. will blog soon enough.
loves to all.
MUAAAAHHHH.

2008-03-04T13:00:00.001+08:00

lovesick melody indeed.

so you don't call or msg.
and i shouldn't let it affect me.
well under normal circumstances it wouldn't.
but i think im falling for you.
thats why i get so annoyed.
to be honest,
its depressing.
im not looking for anyone so i'd rather not fall.
so i sleep it off.
and wake up a more logical sensible, and realistic shiela.
i like logical shiela.

ohh a friends cousin:

wants to talk to me everynight.
likes to ask me out everyday
tells me things that i don't quite need to know or know how to react to.

is that safe?.
he is a friends cousin.
but even if he wasn't.
is that still safe to consider that he wants nothing more than to be friends?.
haha.
i try to be optimistic
tho some may call my optimism denial.

if you stick around, be careful not to fall in love.

im sure you know by now how easily i disappear from peoples lives when i dont know how to react to the treatment they give to and expect from me.
so im sure it'll come as no suprise to you when i tell you benie boy has been dropped from the picture like.. a month ago.

If anyone approaches you with the intent of bringing happiness to your life,

you should run for your life!

now if you understand that quote,
you'd understand why i do the things i do.
no one can give you happiness except yourself.
adding someone else to the picture will give you temporary happiness.
but you should know that nothing last forever.

Paramore- Temporary
used to be so quick, so clever
I used to know myself much better
Anyone can see that this is only permanent
Temporary, it never hurts to try

And it's all a game
I know we'll stay the same
But repetition ends in failure
And every time I see it in your eyes
When repetition ends, we'll start over

Now I'm a walking contradiction
So tell me what's wrong with this picture
Cause anyone can see that this is only permanent
Temporary, so don't hurt me this time
And it's all a gameI know we'll stay the same
But repetition ends in failure
And every time I see it in your eyes
When repetition ends, we'll start over

So give it up, just give up
Give it up, give up
So give it up, just give up
Give it up, give up

And it's all a game
I know we'll stay the same
But repetition ends in failure
And every time I see it in your eyes
When repetition ends, we'll start over
We'll start over

2008-02-28T00:29:00.000+08:00

shiela: I Passed!!!!
hadee: thats great! what did you get?
shiela: i dont know! i dont really care! i passed hadee i passed!!!!

haha.
i passed!
who would have guessed.

i think i've got a little crush on an unexpected someone.
it feels weird.
its been awhile since i've been thru this:

i have a crush on (insert name)

and

i like(insert name)

thingy.
how does it work again..?
haha.
talk about hillarious.

its only 8.30am.
i couldnt go back to sleep knowing my results were out.
ah wells.

2008-02-19T18:59:00.000+08:00

Congratulate me.

i've finally discovered the beauty of blogging once a month.
but now that mr intern is back,
im blogging more often!
sadly, im sure no one even reads my blog anymore.
haha.
ah wells.
no harm just blogging for myself.
right?. :)
im trying to be optimistic.

haha.
i spent today at the hospital.
visiting mai's mummy.
and honestly.
i had bloodie hell loads of fun!
mai, her mummy, kak ira(did i get it right?), and dilah make splendid company.

oh. after readin a blog today,
i found out that one boy bloodie hell lied to me.
over and over.
and tho i was told otherwise, i chose to believe the liar.
god shiela.
what an idiot you are.

i met kitty today.
it made me very happy.

over the past month, i've become the proud new owners of far too many books.
i'm limiting myself to two per month now.
but i cant help it.
im a book worm.
seeing them all just makes me wanna buy till the bank breaks.
:(
i wanna be sooo rich.

oh. and i've concluded that im racist.
whats contradicting however, is that my bestfriend just happens to be in the race that im against. ah wells. its not her fault she was born (insert desired race here).

ok i know this has been a boring one.
will get more interesting as soon as i find "mr. facinating"
he's probably locked away in some rusty drawer deep inside my grey matter.

i got a date tmr.
i dont feel like going.
dont get me wrong.
this guy is awesome.
but it just feels tiring.
another date, another day.
im tired of dating people.
lets just take a break.

and this post is filled with completely random thoughts.
i've got alot on my mind.
alot to say.
but i choose to ignore all things for a more peaceful day.
who says ignorance isn't a bliss is was sooo wrong.
it isnt healthy.
but hell. who cares?.

you know i love you.

2008-01-15T11:59:00.000+08:00

dear miss A.S. please dont hurt mr. F
dont get you. werent you just dating some guy last month?
have you broken up with him already?
i mean usually i wouldnt care.
but this time, you've moved on to dating someone i know.
but not only that.
he's someone i know has had his heart broken
shattered to pieces
that he didnt even wanna date another girl for years.
then you come along,
and he fell.
just like that.
he let his guard and defences down all for you.
why?
what is it about you?
i wouldnt know.
but all im asking
is for you to try and make this one work out.
i dont wanna have to see him suffer.
that wouldnt affect me much.
but to have to see my bestfriend,
see his bestfreidn suffering..
that i cannot take.
so please A***.
dont hurt him.
ok?.

now that that is done and over with,
so many things have happened, i duno where to start.
everythings so complex and confusing.
i miss the simplicity of things.
then again, if i wana make this simple
there is an answer.
to simple to believe.
to easy to understand.
too painful to bear.

how does it feel to find that your name is not even worthy of mention to your best friend?

why is it that we're so close yet it feels like i cant say a word to you without worrying what you'd say about it? why cant we talk the way we use to? why does it feel like im not even worthy of your time? everyone else is much more important. then again, thats the way its always been. hasnt it? you didnt even bother looking for me till now. and i can bet its cos you feel like you owe it to me since i gave you what you needed. where have you gone? i suppose everyone else is just a much better friend to you than i have ever been. i suppose everything we've been through is just not worth while anymore. i suppose its time for a change.

and the funny part about this is.. i've always seemed to get along better with your ex's than i ever did with you.

at the end of the day. no matter what i say about you, and no matter what you did, when someone tells me you're not worth my time, when they say forget her, i always shove it in their faces and tell them that you dont deserve it. i can be boiling mad at you.. yet all it takes is an apolpgy. a smile, a teardrop. and i forget everything i ever held against you. why?.. i dont know. i guess cos its just you. my bestfriend no matter what you do. my bestfriend no matter what i do. i can never hate you.

lets see whats new..
i quit my job.
theres a weding at my place this friday.
FYP, spinnovex, open house, reports, log books, everythings finally over.
lots of projects to complete.
major test comming in a few weeks.

i got lost more to say. but i got bored of blogging.

oh. mysterious bennie boy's back in my life.
i dont get it.
i keep leaving you so
why do you keep comming back for more?

2007-12-18T02:21:00.000+08:00

how is it possible for someone
who claims not to fall in and out of love easily,
to have already gone through 2 bfs in a matter of..
what?
3 months?
ok so you call it love.
i call it bullshit.

speaking of which, im in too much trouble. and im falling.
no wait. he's falling. and i dont want himto fall anymore.
how do i make it go away?
how do i make him stop falling without the risk of loosing such a freakin good friend?
and why is all this only happening after almost a year of knowing you and talking to you?
or was i just too blind to see these feelings you've always had for me?

on a more sinister note, i hate pilots.
i dont know why.
but i just do.
so much for your promises b.
you were never one for keeping them.
and frankly speaking, im sick of you.
but i hate it that i wont not talk to you if you were to talk to me.
fuck it.
im freaking pathatic.

ooohhhhh. my birthday went fairly well.
heh. but my friday went better.
:)

2007-12-11T14:50:00.000+08:00

so it's been over a month since i last blogged. awesome.
plenty of changes.
thank god for the job thats keeping me a little too busy for my liking.
so many contradictions.

i hate people who call themselves friends but play hide and seek game.
if you dont wanna keep in contact, then just bloodie hell just disappear ok.
dont bother looking for me if you're gonna perform the disappearing act.
i can tell the sincere from the fake so please dont bother trying to fool me into it with sweet talk and lame excuses.
i thought you were my friend.
but obviously i was wrong again.
i was fooled again.
i dont need a pilot and a secret rock star in my life thankyou very much.

i dont need you to pretend to want to be my friend.
just wana see if you've got a shot.
im not into you.
i'm not into dating at the moment and lets leave it at that.
i dont wana get to know you.
i dont want to be your friend.
im not stuck up, snobbish or arrogant.
i just dont need the extra worries in my life.
i have no room for emotional pain.
so please.
if you wana get to know me for the sake of kiss and tell, then dont bother.
save me the pain of loosing a new found friend.
thats all i ask of you.
be sincere.
is that so much to ask for?

on a lighter note, my birthday is this weekend.

Saturday. 15th december.

and im.. planless?
no way.
then again. i gotta work on my bithday anyways.
dinner anyone?
yes. im aware of how pathatic i sound right now.

ah wells.
bye bye love's.

2007-10-25T07:48:00.000+08:00

Dear shiela,
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, October 24:
Today is perfect for reflecting on how your life is going and to make little adjustments to tweak it in the right direction. Things are going to get pretty crazy soon and you won't have time to change course.

what the hell is up with these horoscopes?

dear nor nadia natashah binte muhammad noor,
im starting to miss you more and more by the day.
where did it go wrong?.

Every now and then we find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
(remember me this way - casper soundtrack)

how long has it been since we last spoke?
come sit next to me
crack a joke,
reminince(sp) about the past,
tell me whats on your mind
or we could just sit in silence
i dont even care
i just want you by my side

2007-10-24T05:56:00.000+08:00

Woo Hoo to ROCKING RIO.
hahahahahahahahahahhaha.

now hush while i silently wish you away~

ignore me.

2007-10-23T10:46:00.000+08:00

i guess i changed my mind. i cant be bothered to start a new blog. too much time and energy.

once again, i hate it when horoscopes turn out to be right.

Dear shiela,
Here is your horoscopefor Monday, October 22:
Something that seems small actually has a profound affect on you, thanks to its hidden meanings that only you really get. Now is the time to rearrange your life in accordance with the new information.

how could they possibly know? i guess its all just a matter of coincidence.

to NNN:
hi. how are you?
i miss you very much.
the only way i get to know about things goin on in your life
is by reading your blog.
are we in a silent rift?
i dont know.
anyways, im happy you finally got your room back.
i've got so much to tell you.
so much that i've kept from everyone
cos im sure only you'd understand.
i miss coffee dates,
endless hours of talking
or just pure silence.
i miss you.
i miss us.
do you miss it too?.

b wrote me a letter. hes so sweet. and i miss him like mad.

2007-10-10T05:59:00.000+08:00

this blog has been good. but i gotta go away now. i got to start a new.
just to get away from you.

i cant wait for friday. besides it being the eve of hari raya, i get to see b!
as long as the army doesnt screw up his book out timing.
lovely.

hey love, let me go.

2007-10-05T04:07:00.000+08:00

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

2007-10-05T02:10:00.000+08:00

it wasnt meant for you.

this is freaky. so weirdly true.

Dear shiela,
Here is your horoscopefor Wednesday, October 4:
Don't be too worried if you find that you're feeling a bit disgruntled with your friends or family -- it's just the accumulation of tiny stresses. It'll all blow over pretty quickly, but for now try to lie low.

b called twice last night. i missed both calls.
and merely seconds ago, he just called to say.
'hey b.. i called last night to tell you i had a really nice dream.. i dreamt that i went out with you and we had a really good time... yeah. thats all i wanted to say.. anyways i gotta go now. i just called to tell you that.'
how fucking sweet can you get?

im meeting someone for buke later. heh heh heh. i would put your name here. but it'll only bring unnecessary explanations to myself. self centered i know. but you know who you are. and they dont need to know who you are. haha. sorry love. i cant wait to see you too. we've got alot alot alot to catch up on! hee.

Happy birthday to you. i hope your day turns out to be a meaningful one. spent with the friend who dont desert you like i did. i dont know if i should be sorry. but knowing me, i am truely sorry. and the feeling inside just wont go away.
i saw you. i wanted to run to you. i wanted to hug you. i wanted to be held by you. but they stopped me. it was only right. i shouldn't do that. it wouldn't be right. i guess i still miss you. i guess im not over you.

people should learn the magic of highlighting what they read. they can see alot more by doing so. try it. it wouldnt hurt to try. :)

i wonder how long i'd stay in this state of not knowing.

2007-10-02T15:09:00.000+08:00

oh boy.this is gonna be along one.

Jojo- Beautiful girls
I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

Yeah yeah
I remember when
I was hanging with my friends
That's when I caught your eye
You thought that I was fly
Right then you wished that
I would be your baby (beyour baby)

You try to get some game
Asking me girl what ya name
All that ice upon ya chain
So I asked you the same
Something tells me that
we have fun together (funtogether)

I ain't easy to find
I'm a one of a kind
Oh when I judge your wine
I know your only mine
Tonight is yours
Tomorrow is for another guy (another guy)

I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

You've been calling me
Leaving messages all week
Was your curiosity
Got ya knees weak
I'm not looking for a man
So I don't want noconfusion (no confusion)
I took ya to the floor
Got ya begging me for more
But that was my queue to go
So I hit the door
I let you hot
With your mind used to running wild (running wild)

I ain't easy to find
I'm a one of a kind
Oh when I judge your wine
I know your only mine
If you stick around
Be careful not to fall inlove (fall in love)

I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

Now a couple months have past
Never thought that this would last
Oh everybody asked
How ya got a girl like that
But you should've known
That nothing lastsforever (lasts forever)

I mashed up ya mind
When I tell you lies
But boy don't be surprised
That I'm seeing other guys
I'm too young to settle
And you should've knownbetter (known better)

Damn all these beautiful girls(you should have known)
We're only gonna do yourdirt (cos I'll have)
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over

floptops on roof tops.

i miss bestie. i feel so helpless.
i wanna tell you so many things,
but i know you've got so much on your plate as it is.
im so sorry.
i wish there was something i could do.
i wanna see you this sunday.
but im terrified of your mother.
i love you i miss you i cant wait to see you.

thats a secret that no one's suppose to know.

so anyways.
i dont know what i was thinking but i asked if you'd wanna meet up for buke.
guess what? i changed my mind.
i dont wana meet you.

i asked how you were cos i cared.
but i guess you dont need me.
after all, its never me you look for.
then again, i know better than to look for you too.
so whatever.
thats the way it's always been.
thats the way things are gonna stay.
i still love and care for you.
and i know its the same for you to me.
thats enough.

oh and last but not least.
good bye to you.
we're better off without.
and jojo said it all~

2007-09-18T11:36:00.000+08:00

cinta ini kadang kadang tak ada logika~

weeeee. blogger blog blog blogger.

bleargh.

dinner with two besties this friday! can't wait.

job interview?.. bleargh.

bleargh. yeah. boring~

2007-09-02T14:58:00.000+08:00

ignorance is a bliss~

saturday was spent with pilot.
tho he fell sick, so we headed back in a cab after lunch.
haha. so i spent a grand total of 3 hours with mr pilot sir.

classic line of the day:
'you're the only person i know who has a boyfriend and yet doesn't have plans on a saturday'

haha. sadly, i agree. pathatic~
but nevermind.
i love my boyfriend anyways.
that was tuesday with boyfriend. :)

till then~ toodles.

2007-09-02T11:46:00.000+08:00

Secondhand Serenade- Your Call

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
I'm listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat,
Just like when we would meet

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and pollished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Because every breath that you will take
while you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes,
What's your fantasy?

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home x4
( I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
( I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

2007-09-01T13:40:00.000+08:00

total freedom makes me feel single.
haha. is that a good thing or a bad one?

perhaps i just cared too much about this relationship.
on the brighter side, im not caring as much.
and hoping nothing screws it up.
not exactly a bad thing now is it?
its as good as being single with restrictions to other boys.

why am i complaining again?
oh rightt.
cos i only get to date my BOYFRIEND once a week.
and talk to him about two nights a week if im lucky.
weee~

so anyways right,
i dont understand blogshop owners who pose in the clothes they wana sell and then state:

NEVER WORN

under the picture.
does this make any sense at all to you?
if it does, please explain it to me.
thank you love! :)

4 in the morning~

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have
& all I know is
You got to give me everything& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

i love songs that suit my mood.

2007-08-31T14:17:00.000+08:00

this has got to be the best one yet.

my days are filled with doing practically nothing.
while yours seem completely filled.
not that i expect to see you everyday.
but on the bright side of things,
i hear so little from you that i barely have to send more than 15 msgs in a day!
i still feel completely and utterly free to do whatever i please.

just something else i gotta get used to again?

whatever it is.
lets just play by your rules and see how it works out.
seeing you once a week couldnt possibly be all that bad.

you know. sometimes i just dont get you.
but then again.
im gona put the same amount of work in this relationship as you're putting in.
i'll be more active when you're being active.
and remain passive when you're passive.
does that make me a bitchy girlfriend?
i duno.
its not the best solution.
but it sure saves alot of thinking and stressing out.
and i sooo gotta learn to stop expecting anything at all.
even if its just for abit of your time.
oh. and fyi,
i dont think i like suprises very much anymore.
ooohh. and i should stop playing pretend.

2007-08-27T22:37:00.000+08:00

know whats scarry?
my daily couples horoscopes have been soo true over the past few days.
and dang big bigger biggest time.
i should have read it.

23rd aug read:
One of you made a mistake, but if you face the consequences honestly and bravely, this will become a stepping stone, not a major obstacle. Most importantly, you have to forgive each other (and yourselves).

24th aug:
Hiding resentments under a veneer of politeness is a recipe for disaster, though it might make things seem easier right now. Be honest with yourself, and then be honest with your darling. It'll stop trouble before it starts.

25th aug read:
Don't let your sweetie be the fall guy for this. The truth is that they feel a little too responsible for what just happened. Hey, they did the best they could, and the rest was up to fate. Tell them that -- repeatedly.

26th aug read:
You're responsible for your actions, but the outcome is in the universe's control. Once you and your sweetie really get that, you'll find that you're ever so much more at ease. You might even have a little fun.

who the hell writes these things?
and why do they seem to be sooo spot on?
why i even subscribe to this shit?
i dont know how.
or remeber why actually..
hahahaha. ah wells.

boyfie, i am ever so sorry.
i've been a bitch.
but you've been a bastard too.
admit it. haha.
but you know i love you anyways.

sally. selly. silly. solly. sully. loves.
mamat. memet. mimit. momot. mumut.

dont expect the unexpected.
then again.
dont expected anything.
that way,
everything will be unexpected.

2007-08-22T11:49:00.000+08:00

hello 21st august! (waves!!)

ok. im in a crappy mood.
tryna cheer myself up.
im down with a fever.
i cant fall asleep.
the medicine not helping.
gimmie a break.

my all time fav: dark chocolate
taste completely bitter today
not a tinge of that little bit of sweetness that i completely adore.

my thoughts decided to go random on me today.
heres a little inside to where they went:
china town
paris
the set of anamaniacs
(ok lame. i know. blame the fever.)

but seriously.
i thought of my train rides to school.
i miss morning train rides with pilot.
i've only got six months left in school.
i dont wana leave school.
im scared silly at the thought of it.
it felt just like the other day
the 'tkgs' shirt boy(aka pilot) wanted to get to know 'affie's adek sedare'(aka me).
and just last week that i spent very single break i had, with my cousin.

now that my rantings done for the day,
im gona go force my brain to study.
which is apparently bad
because you're not suppose to study when your sick.
kills the brain cells or whatever.
but its better than sitting around waiting to fall asleep when mr sand man is obviously not comming.

Before you criticise someone,
You should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticise them,
You're a mile away
AND
You have THEIR shoes.

2007-08-16T21:03:00.000+08:00

i swear im not obsessed with putting up pictures of myself in my blog! but this picture is a classic. idiot shiela got bored today.
i miss my attachment days.
the place sucked.
the people sucked.
but the company of my two lovely fellow attach-ies
adilah and yun lei rocked my socks.
singing radio songs inthe room:
(im so cold im so cold, this is why im hawt hawt hawt hawt~)
labeling countless of bloodtubes,
bitching sessions in the toilet,
idiotic pictures(refer to pic above),
endless laughters,
priceless memories.

todays horoscope:
Are you unconsciously trying to lower
your expectations so you won't be disappointed?
Hey, it's good to be realistic,
but don't talk yourself down.

hmmmm.

yesterday was a blast.
did the usual studying at school for hours.
pretty fruitful i must say.
then i met boyfie for dinner, a long chat and headed back home.
pretty short day.
but perfect nonetheless.

classic line number 2:
''i knocked the thing then i scared fall down"

oohh. classic line number 1 was:
"austria is spelt with an 'L' what.. so you just need to add another 'A' and it becomes australia!"

hahahaha.

theres just something about you
that even having too much of is never enough
you just keep me comming back for more~
i love you honey.

2007-08-14T22:38:00.000+08:00

im super hyper now.
didnt get all that much sleep last night.
hahahahahahahah.
ok.

UPDATES!

i met syarii last saturday.
its been over a year since i last met him.
things havent changed abit.
it was as tho we just picked up the conv from where we left it just yesterday.
a years worth of catching up done in less than an hour.
so i'll see you next year?
haha.

im currently annoyed.

cos i'm haing my exams now.

and i cant find my notes..

but.......

from annoyed to super duper happy and hyper in less than a minute.
I GOT TO TALK TO AFZAL!!

and we talked about everything in half an hour

from my new/old boyfriend

to how sleeping in trenches is actually comfortable
hahahahahaha.
bestie's the best.

you so rock laa.
i knew you'd understand.
i miss you like mad pilot.
come home soon!
=)

oohh. that makes is one best friend and one good friend down for catch up session, and another bestfriend and all my girlfriends to go.

nor nadia natashah. you are missed. =)

my beautiful ladies who i havent met in so long.
i've been so busy..
i do apologise.
but 18th of august is comming!
i cant wait to see you guys. =)

god.. how old is this picture?

to mai and dilah.
thank you for making my every day at school the best i could possibly ask for.
layaning me even tho i just go 'bla bla bla' half the time.
i love you guys. =)

this whole entry is about friends!
because even tho we may not meet or talk very often,
i know you're always there if i need you.
and im always here if you need me.

ohh. and not forgetting boyfie,
whos been making my everydayso fantabulous.
i love you plenty. =)

yesyes.

i am aware that im in every single picture.

but i dont have pictures of just them

haha. yeah i know.

i look horrible.

tell me about it.

ok then.

i guess thats that.

your's truely, Miss ever so boncit, Shiela.

2007-08-13T21:27:00.000+08:00

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.

2007-08-12T23:59:00.000+08:00

Endlessly- Azn Dreamers

Late at night you call on a phone
We talk about the day
When you found out he was cheating
You tell me that it hurts to the bone
To trust someone that way
To find that he was deceiving

And I know I've always just been your friend
But if you look my way , I'll make sure you're never hurt again

Do you know I exist
Just to promise you this
Endlessly to be true to you
And if you answer my prayer
I cross my heart and I swear
Endlessly to be true to you
And if you'd only see
How beautiful you and I would be
Endlessly

I remember when you fell in love
I could not believe
That it was not with me
I sent a secret prayer up above
And put my heart away
So that you could be free

And I know right now you're broken in two
But do you know my heart's been broken since the day I met you

Do you know I exist
Just to promise you this
Endlessly to be true to you
And if you answer my prayer
I cross my heart and I swear
Endlessly to be true to you
And in my sweetest dream
You learned to put your faith in me
Endlessly

Sometimes the thing you need
Is the one thing you can't see
If you put your faith in me
How beautiful you and I would be

Do you know I exist
Just to promise you this
Endlessly to be true to you
And if you answer my prayer
I cross my heart and I swear
Endlessly to be true to you
And if you'd only see
How beautiful you and I would be
Endlessly

2007-08-11T13:04:00.000+08:00

some one once said:

NEVER make someone a priority in your life, when you remain an option in their's.
maybe he got it all wrong..
but then again.
it's a very logical thing to do.

im gona go completely random today.

ohh!!!! paramore has a new video for hallelujah!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=sApyi41SoVM

go watch! weeeee.

blogging is boring.

bye bye beautiful~

2007-08-10T21:52:00.000+08:00

Paramore- Hallelujah

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
If only time flew like a dove
Well God, make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

This time we're not giving up
Let's make it last forever
Screaming "hallelujah"
We'll make it last forever

Holding onto patience wearing thin
I can't force these eyes to see the end
If only time flew like a dove
We could watch it fly and just keep looking up

This time we're not giving up
Let's make it last forever
Screaming "hallelujah"
We'll make it last forever

And we've got time on our hands
(We've got time) Got nothing but time on our hands
Got nothing but, got nothing but
(We've got time) Got nothing but time on our hands

This time we're not giving up
Oh, let's make it last forever
Screaming "hallelujah" (hallelujah)
Hallelujah

the new arrival always turns up after the old bird has landed.

2007-08-05T16:44:00.000+08:00

remember remember the 4th of august.
so it's like.. official now huh?.

BAYBEATS.
the only thing i look foward to every year..
ended up to be a great disappointment.

dont get me wrong. i loved the company i had. but...

the line up sucked. and on the one day i was actually looking foward to, i have no one to go with.

im not sure i would enjoy it even if i did have company tho.

'be my date for one day of baybeats ok?'
'sure thing'
so much for that eh mr fan dee?

do you whats goin on in my life now?

i miss the days we use to have.

i miss the laughter, the coffee, the talks, the 'can meet anytime, anyday, anywhere', the aimless walks, the retarded moments, the... Everything.

but most of all, i miss you.

do you know how much i miss you?

i havent been living up to my part too. i know. but im trying.

you mean the world to me.

and you're the only friend with whom i can never live without.

the only one i ever needed.

i would give up anything just to change things back to the way they were.

but sometimes, 'anything' just isnt enough.

and it'll always take two hands to clap.

do you know what im thinking?

do you read what i have to say?

do you need me as much as i need you?

i love you loads bestie.

2007-07-28T23:48:00.000+08:00

that's for you b :)

2007-07-28T23:23:00.001+08:00

yes. im painfully aware of how dull and boring the past entries have been.

not too long ago.. i made a wish.

"i wish for an eternity to heaven and back.
that i could love you without giving a crap."

not too long after
im afraid it might be comming true.

you told me you said:
"girlfriend aku belikan"

i laughed it off.

you seem to want me to meet all your friends.

i havent told a soul about you besides mai and dilah.

you've told me:
"i love you"
one too many times.

i havent said it. not even once.

but you havent seemed to notice.

because once upon a very long time ago, i told you:
"i dont have to say 'i love you' to prove to you that i do"

i dont know how to react.
i dont know what to do.
im taking each day as it passes.
im enjoying my time with you.
but im not letting my guard down.
not just yet.

is it safe yet?..

is this for real?

2007-07-28T22:59:00.000+08:00

Vertical Horizon-You're a God

I've got to be honest
I think you know
We're covered in lies and that's OK
There's somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say

Never again no
No never again

'Cause you're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I'd let you go

But I've been unable
To put you down
I'm still learning things I ought to know by now
It's under the table so
I need something more to show somehow

Never again no
No never again

'Cause you're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I'd let you go

I've got to be honest
I think you know
We're covered in lies and that's OK
There's somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say

Never again no
No never again

'Cause you're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I'd let you go

2007-07-23T22:28:00.000+08:00

Instructions : What you do is find out what each letter of your name means. Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU. (Its TRUE) &(Is'nt it GREAT !!). If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.

R =You are a social butterfly.
O = You are very open-minded.
S = You are very broad-minded.
H =You are not judgmental.
I =You are always smiling and making others smile.
E =You are a very exciting person.
L = Love is something you deeply believe in.
A = You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.

Now you try!

A = You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B = You are always cautious when it comes to meeting newpeople.
C = You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
D = You have trouble trusting people.
E =You are a very exciting person.
F = Everyone loves you.
G = You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H =You are not judgmental.
I =You are always smiling and making others smile.
J =Jealously
K =You like to try new things.
L = Love is something you deeply believe in.
M = Success comes easily to you.
N = You like to work, but you always want a break.
O = You are very open-minded.
P =You are very friendly and understanding.
Q = You are a hypocrite.
R =You are a social butterfly.
S = You are very broad-minded.
T = You have an attitude, a big one.
U = You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V = You have a very good physique and looks.
W = You like your privacy.
X = You never let people tell you what to do.
Y = You cause a lot of trouble.
Z = You're always fighting with someone

2007-07-22T15:42:00.000+08:00

Predictable

Something isn't rightI can feel it again feel it again
This isn't the first time
That you left me waiting
Sad excuses and false hopes high
I saw this coming still I don't know why
I let you in

I knew it all along
You're so predictable
I knew something would go wrong (something's always wrong)
So you don't have to call
Or say anything at all
So predictable (so predictable)

So take your empty words your broken promises
And all the time you stole cause I am done with this
I can give it away give it away
I'm doin everything I should've
And now I'm makin a change I'm living the day
I'm giving back what you gave me
I don't need anything

I knew it all along You're so predictable
I knew something would go wrong (something's always wrong)
So you don't have to call
Or say anything at all
So predictable (so predictable)

2007-07-19T21:07:00.000+08:00

'now if you remember carefully..'

ok so what happens if im not careful enough?
god damn. lecturers should attend english courses.

2007-07-10T23:23:00.000+08:00

shock shock gasp screams!!!!!!
i keep gettin myself deeper into this shit.
haha.

so am i still single and available?
god knows.
i feel like it.
so i must be it right?
uh huh.

i saw you for two days in a row.
as if that isnt a miracle in itself,
you sent me home the other night.
and i got panic attacks and kept goin

'huh?'
'i dont understand'
'wait. why are you here?'

yupp. it was that big a shock.
and unless you knew the story
you wouldnt understand.

its like being told that every theory you ever had was wrong.
like everything came to bite you in the arse.
haha uh huh.
that bad.

i mean. it wasnt a bad thing.
it was just a big big shock.
numsasaying?
ok im goin on and on with the guilty pleasures of rambling.

bye bye beautiful.
no really.
bye bye beautiful.
i din pay my bill.
and my line is suspended.
and suprisingly.
im pretty happy with that.
i can finally disappear in peace.
bye bye everyone.

no really.
byebye.

2007-07-05T21:05:00.000+08:00

words.
they have no meaning in them.
words are meaningless untill someone puts meaning in them.

i could just say i see a beautiful doll.
but omeone else could say there is no meaning in what i say.
for the doll has no beauty unless it it is felt by others too.

mean what you say. and say what you mean.
for otherwise, words dont mean a thing.

2007-07-05T20:30:00.000+08:00

counting down the days till i get to see you again.
seeing you seems to be the only thing i look foward to.
im screwing everything up.
come home soon.
sigh.

take these things off my mind.
it feels filthy.
it weighs a tonn.

'alah shiela, its better to stay single lah. singles still the best.'
unless of cos..
you could find a guy whos willing to get into a relationship with no strings attached.
but those relationships have its con's too.
you can't get emotionally attached to it.

haha. in my dreams, that actually might work.

i think i might disappear from everyone for awhile.
as in no reply when u msg, and no answer when you call.
that kinda disappear.
i need a break.
so goodbye.

2007-07-02T23:51:00.000+08:00

dear i fear we're facing a problem.

yes. dear being you and me.
you being me. and me still refering to me.

today seemed completely unproductive.

i kept thinking of what i said to you.
i kept thinking if it was true.
i kept hearing your voice in my head.

i just wana shout at it and tell it to go away.

so how've you been?
i miss bestie's.
one's in camp. and the other, i just havent seen in a while.

so many thoughts in my head.
i dont even know what im typing.
talking round in circles amuses me.

goodbye.

if only i heard you say

2007-07-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

i guess the disappearing act got tiring.
and blogging seems like fun all over again.

yesterday's outing was a blast.
yet everything about it seemed to suck.
i did all the wrong things. and said all the wrong words.
i got home feeling like i shouldnt have done it.
but later at night i did it again.
i confessed to you everything that was on my mind.
i told you that..

i hate it that i care about what my friends think of you.
i hate it that i enjoy myself when im with you.
i hate it that i cat get annoyed at you no matter how hard i try.
i hate it that i cant seem to ignore you.
i hate it that i always go looking for you.
i hate it that i cant stop thinking about you.
i hate it that i hate so many things about you.
i hate it that i cant tell you whats on my mind.
i hate not being brave enough to ask questions i want to know the answers to.
i hate it that i just cant seem to hate you.

but suddenly, its not that that im most afraid of.
cos i began to realise more:

i hate the things you do.
i hate not being able to understand why you still do it.
i hate myself for not giving it the benifit of the doubt.
i hate it that i know how i feel about you.
i hate it that i wont let myself think of the possibilities.
i hate it that i care about what they think.
i hate it that i care about them to not want to hurt them.
i hate it that i know the reason in the line above is not the reason why.
i hate this line: 'i told you so' cos should anything happen, i know they'd say it.
i hate it that i remind them not to let me do it.
i hate it that they think thats truely how i feel.
i hate it that i do it just to 'act tough'.
i hate it that im too afraid to let you in.
i hate it that i cant get over you.
i hate it that i have to leave you.
i hate it that i gave you so much hope.
i hate it that i had so much hope.
i hate it that i'm gona let 'us' fade away.
i hate me for letting it all slip away.
i hate being so fcuking aware of it.

the word hate has been used too many times in this entry.
i miss you already.
i wish you were here.
i wish i could see you.
i wish i was brave enough to take the risk.
i wish that you wouldnt give up.
i wish i didnt care of what anyone thought of me.
i wish tt my friends would let me make my own mistakes.
even if it means repeating it ten times before i got it right.
i wish they could see how happy i am when im with him.
i wish they knew what was on my mind.

i wish for an eternity to heaven and back.
that i could love you without giving a crap.